Funk-Off, OSR!!!

There is one available spot left on our destined-to-be-infamous D20/D30 TABLE OF DUNGEON-FUNK. Number 17. This dungeon-funk--


You don't know what a dungeon-funk is? 

Well it's kind of like an STD you catch from monsters. Underground. 

No, you don't actually get it from freakin' with bugbears (but you could). Merely getting too close and scraping flesh with a dungeon-dweller could potentially lead to a break out of [Roll on Dungeon-Funk table to determine what ails ye]. Get the picture?

Anyway, dungeon-funk Number 17 is so absolutely ghastly that it doesn't even have a name. It's just called Number 17. And you don't want none of that.

So here's the deal

I'm declaring a Funk-Off!

Comment on this post with your take on what Number 17 should be. Include the effects and detail how it might be cured. The Funk-Off ends at midnight March 6, so you've got a bit of time to futz around in the lab. After all the results are in, I will have the JUDGES* look them over and decide which of the funks is Number 17. Capiche?

Oh, and if you feel like sharing this info on your blog... consider this 2 points of arm-twisting damage.

*Okay, they're just the dudes I game with.


  1. Members Only~ Often caught from battling the undead or dealing with the animating energies of the negative material plane. This condition often results in a random appendage taking on a life of its own. The appendage has a 1-6 chance of being of the opposite alignment from the player character & doing the most embarrassing behavior at the most inappropriate times. Advanced stages of the condition can result in 1d10 orifices growing upon the limb upon which the victim has no control over. The gm may roll a d20 to see when the advanced stage is reached.

  2. Seventeen Sores - This non-lethal, but annoying sickness creates seventeen pustules on the face of the afflited. They always have the exact same pattern, and as long as they are in effect, the victim has a -4 modifier on all charisma related rolls. The sores begin to fade after seventeen days. There is a chaotic order of monks that searches for divine inspiration in the flow of pus from the sores, and believes, that someday they will learn the fundamental secret of life from it. They'll do anything to have a chance to examine the face of an afflicted person in this seventeen days. They are also rumored to actively spread the disease in non-dungeon environments.

  3. Assholio's Taint (aka Super Bad Ass Leprosy)

    Basically, you disintegrate, one body part at a time, at a ridiculously accelerated rate. It's like Brundlefly's Disease plus a gazillion.

    The only cure is to agree to perform a special task for Assholio, The Laughing Douchebag (a minor deity). Rest assured he'll more or less restore you to your original self, but that's so he'll be able to draw out the amusement he'll get from watching you try to do whatever the hell crazy ass thing it is he wants you to do.

  4. Mite be, Mite not be.

    The tiny creatures that carry this infection are believed to have originated either in the temple of the god Kuantum where the high priest Heisenberg is said to have created them as a punishment for those who relied too much on certainty, or in the laboratory of the mad wizard Schrodinger, where they lived on his pet cats for many years before moving on.

    The infected character becomes the vector for an intense uncertainty field which causes any die roll made by them to be rolled twice. A d6 is then rolled to determine which of the two rolls apply. 1-3 the first one, 4-6 the second one.

    Curing the disease means eradicating the mites, which is tricky as they are both there and not there at the same time. Strangely enough, the bite of a blink dog is a potent cure for this condition as is the venom of a Displacer Beast

  5. Number 17 = Digit Rot.

    Due to contact with zombies, your digits and extremities begin to rot away, starting with fingers and toes, then legs and arms. In afflicted males, the genitals are also affected. 1d4 digits rot off per day. Only a Level 9 or higher Cleric casting Bless AND Cure Disease can reverse this condition.

  6. Bob's Your Uncle

    In brushing up against the monster, the victim's flesh becomes fused with said monster. The monster is the disease. The monster is now part of the PC. Ergo, the PC is now the disease. If the monster dies, the PC dies. If the PC dies, the monster dies.

    There's a 30% chance the victim can be saved by lopping off whatever body part is fused with the monster (with the DM to decide the appropriate permanent HP loss for said severing). If the dungeon amputation is successful, everyone in the party must Save vs. Disease if they come into physical contact with the victim for 1d4 days, or be fused with the victim.

    Otherwise, the only known cure is to eat the boiled brain stem of a rabid gnoll, which will immediately separate the monster and the PC, and provide permanent immunity from this disease.

  7. Dry as a Bone:

    Said to have originated when Gorbarking the Mad miscast a Flesh-to-Stone spell, this disease turns all blood in the afflicted person to bone. At the end of this process they will become a Bone. It takes one month for the transformation to complete.

    It can be cured by a potion made from the following ingredients:

    The fur of a live bugbear (thus, they have to figure out a way to negotiate or knock out this thing and shave it).
    6 Orc kidneys.
    The bone marrow of a Naga.
    The non-shed scales of a live Kobold.
    572 Vrock feathers.
    And 30 Marilith fingers.

  8. Number 17:

    The dreaded Number 17 is named for the magic-infused experimental bacteria created by Plindar the Aged in an attempt to create a weregnoll doppelganger. Once infected, the victim begins to sprout an additional appendage over a 7 day incubation period. The appendage becomes fully function on day 7.

    Roll 1d10 to determine appendage affected:

    1. fingers
    2. toes
    3. arms
    4. legs
    5. sexual organs (penis or clitoris)
    6. sexual organs (breasts or testicles)
    7. ears
    8. lips
    9. nose
    10. eyes

    The appendage appears to be a normal body part--ears can hear, eyes can see, etc.--under full control of the victim. The victim thereby gains additional attacks, if applicable, and/or enhancements to other skills, feats, abilities, etc., at the DM's discretion. The disease is not contagious during this period.

    On the 17th day of full infection (that is, the body part has been fully grown and functional for 17 days), the addtional appendage begins to turn black and rot, emiting copious malodorous seepage that cannot be covered up by even the strongest of perfumes. As a result, thieves lose the ability to hide in shadows and their sneak attack.

    On the 28th day of full infection, the flesh falls away from the appendage, leaving only rotting bone, tendon, or cartilage exposed.

    On the 51st day of full infection, the appendage falls off, leaving a brownish, gold piece-sized scar where it had been attached.

    Anyone other than the victim touching this scar before the 68th day of infection must Save vs. Disease or be infected with Number 17.

    After the 68th day of full infection, the disease is no longer contagious, and the victim is considered cured, the now flesh-colored scar the only visible reminder of this dungeon-induced funk.

    A Cure Disease spell or potion has a 25% chance of affectiveness before the appendage is fully functional (this can be attempted only once). After day 7, the disease must run its course.

    HOWEVER, if the victim attempts to remove the appendage by any magical or non-magical means other than a Cure Disease spell or potion before day 7, then 17 more appendages of the same type grow back within 7 days.

  9. Just wanted to let you guys know that I am awaiting feedback. And kinda loving all of these funks in a bad way.

  10. Who says you can't make more room on the table?

  11. Tomorrow! I promise! The guys will be here to game.