In the spirit of randomness, I was thinking it might be fun to do a table-within-a-table-within-a-table. To this end I propose that result #13 on our delightful Goblin Market D30 Table be not just one thing but an array of possibilities. Here's the idea:
13. Longtoe's Miscellany. Longtoe Greenteeth (purportedly a distant cousin of old Jenny) is a well-known and oft-seen figure at the Market. While he presents himself as an honest dealer in "strange and occasionally ostentatious magics" he is really nothing more than a dealer in stolen wizard-goods of the minor variety. He usually brings two or more such ill-gotten items to a particular market and always asks for far more than they are actually worth. Shrewd adventurers have a 3% chance per point of INT to talk him down to a third of his asking price. Roll a d20 on the table below no more than 1d6 times to see what items Master Greenteeth has on him today.
- A crown of acorns that banishes all foul odors from a person's body, but is terribly uncomfortable to wear, as it always sizes itself to be about one size too small for its wearer. Prolonged use can cause headaches. [Matt from Land of Nod]
- Wax earplugs that cause the wearer to hear only what they want to hear. Extracting them afterward can be difficult, especially from oddly shaped or hairy ears, and sometimes the wearer will then suffer the opposite effect - hearing only what will upset or distress them. [PCB]
- The Long Fork. This strangely twisted fork can be used to untie the lies of men, politicians, & strangers. The fork can also be used to twist the truth in strange & interesting ways.The fork will work 5 times a day after which only minor white lies can be really worked over. [Needles]
- Goblin Mustache Wax. This arcane colored wax will grow the most outrageous mustaches on any surface that wax is spread on in 1 round. Goblins will often pay for the privilege of having these handle bar monstersities. They gain +2 to Charisma, humans using the wax will find that the mustache will be one color while their normal hair is changed to a shocking reddish day glow orange or yellow. [Needles]
- The Nose Goblins of How. The goblin How is known for his nasal creations & these 12 inch long creations are no exception. Once the command word is spoken ("bogie") the nose goblin will animate as a 2 hit dice golem. These creatures will serve their master faithfully unless destroyed by running water. How can always make more if you know How. [Needles]
- The Princess Frog. This dried frog corpse radiates a strong dweomer. All it needs is raise dead and a kiss from a prince, and you'll have your very own princess. Guaranteed, or your money back. [Beedo]
- An invisible bottle of invisible ink. Price: 24cp. [Matt Schmeer]
- Fermented Mule Milk of Wonder; guaranteed to restore a bald head to a raging mane of silken black locks. Roll 1d6 for side effects:
1. Rapunzel Effect - the hair keeps growing at 1 foot per day no matter how much gets cut off.
2. Mule Musk - all mules and hinnys within 20 feet of the PC become sexually aroused and attempt to rut with the PC.
3. Sunnyside Up - the PC remains bald on top, but sprouts hair everywhere else.
4. Fallout - the PC loses all body hair excepting the scalp, including eyebrows & eyelashes.
5. Murk of Doom - The PCs loose all eye color and special eye-sight abilities (infravision, etc.) for 1d8 days.
6. Hee-haw. Everytime the PC laughs, the PC sounds like an ass.
Price: 9sp [Matt Schmeer]
- Flamebrick. A deep red, marble-like rock about the size and shape of a dwarf's fist, a flamebrick has the ability to bring a tankard-size volume of water to boiling, but only if the flamebrick is immersed in water contained in an iron pot or skillet. Price: 5 gp [Matt Schmeer]
- The decapitated head of a small fey-creature delicately cocooned in the purest hand-wound spider silk and suspended over an octagonal smoked mirror edged in flaking black metal. Up to three times a day this device can answer questions expressed in one of the various goblin tongues as though it were casting the appropriate divination-spell. However prolonged exposure to this device results in a cumulative -1 to ones reaction with all Fey-blooded beasts and beings for every lunar month it is kept in ones possession. An insidious glamer hangs about the thing, making it difficult to let it go (Wis check at -2), and it also acts as a locus that attracts free-floating nightmares that often deprive the owner of their sleep, keeping them more susceptible to the whims and unsavory intentions of the cruel device... [NetherWerks]
- Groggie. A minor found and bound spirit formerly of another goblin, perhaps a lost innocence, a freed inhibition or a discarded conscience, occasionally also magically stolen from another creature. The groggie gifts understanding of the complex behaviours of realms beyond goblindom, boosting by a given number of degrees either intelligence, wisdom or charisma, the precise characteristic depending on the groggie's nature and the needs of the moment. This is a boon which tends to be used regardless primarily within goblindom in order to better outmanoeuvre rivals. With each use roll 1d6 and consult the following table.
1 - The spirit is growing ever less, and its future effect is reduced by one degree, and by one additional degree if far in time and space from its origin and a like goodness.
2-3 - The spirit is tired as in 1 and exerts a soporific effect on the user, reducing concentration and potentially inducing sleep.
4 - The spirit cries out for mercy; if used again within the next day, modify the result of future rolls on this table by +1.
5 - The groggie - consciously or not, who can say? - draws the attentions of a far greater spirit of the nether realms...
6+ - The spirit escapes, into either a) a nether realm, in which case also apply 5, or b) the possession of the nearest living thing, binding itself to the item most reflective of its original owner.
The number of degrees of initial effect is d3, plus 1 per full 100 gp of price, rolled after purchase. The price is related to the nature of the object to which the groggie is bound as well as its power, but is usually 3d10x10 gp. [Porky]
- The Underpants of Pthruuu. These slick green underwear garments add +1 to charisma to any goblin wearing them for seduction rolls. To all other races the wearer is at -2. The underpants also occasionally talk to themselves in a strange Latin American Dialect that no one understands. There are 8 to a package. 12 pennies. Many owners try to get rid of these after awhile. [Needles]
- The Stuffed Chimera. CLICK
- The Mocking Crystal. A crystal of purest cut quartz that is so achingly beautiful that it hurts. The fey spirit that lives within will give the most hideous insults to a person's self esteem that it actually does a point of damage every 4 insults. The spirit uses the voice of Don Rickels, Roseanne Barr, & many others. The crystal also knows many secrets of the arcane & for those who listen it will whisper incredible secrets as well. 20 gold coins will buy it for awhile & then you'll want to give it back. [Needles]
- The Watch of Uncounted Time. This strange time piece holds a spirit of time within. The watch looks like a mechanical puzzle made of gears & spun night dreams. Once a day it will add an hour on to the user's day. With a simple depression of the button you have the hour you need to get something done. The watch simply steals it from your life one hour at a time! The watch sells for 30 gold pieces. [Needles]
- The Octagon Of Sir Christopher. This strange wooden octagon box contains the head of Sir Christopher, a most honorable hero to the goblin world. He who slayed the multi-headed Worm of Omm, the ravager of the Leering Troll, the protector of the Realm of Undreamt Dreams, etc. The head has true sight & will rapidly know the true intent of any politician it sees. It shall show all of his faults, vanities, & secrets. Many in the goblin world want to see this thing lost forever but it can be yours for 20 gold pieces. [Needles]
- A dirty, tattered, paper fan. Close inspection reveals a delicate depiction of the holder's last crime. [Telecanter]
- 1d4 White Plums of Perfection. These small, nearly ripe white plums are perfect. They look perfect. They smell perfect. They feel perfect in the hand. Anyone who has seen the White Plums of Perfection will never be able to look at a normal plum in the same way again. They will always remember fondly the White Plums of Perfection they once glimpsed or held in their hands. Unfortunately, they taste like feet. If not eaten within 1d20 days, the White Plums of Perfection will become the White Prunes of Purgation. Anyone eating *all* the White Prunes of Purgation will immediately start smelling like a malodorous, maggot-infested pile of raw sewage. This will result in a -5 to CHA. After 1d20 days, the smell dissipates, and the character will find themselves with a permanent +1 to CON. Price: 75 gp [Matt Schmeer]
- Koojoo's Phalanges. 1d12 gnarly old bones taken from the left hand of a long dead criminal that have been inscribed and etched with a seemingly random pattern of scratches now worn smooth from all the hands of gamblers who've tempted their fate by using these accursed things in lieu of legitimate dice. When cast each die will gladly produce the number(s) specified by the user, but in return for this assistance, the finger bones drain the user of an equal amount of hit points as the number(s) needed to win. At least the first 1d4 throws are at that rate, it doubles every other throw afterwards. Denying the bones their due will produce no numbers whatsoever--literally the numbers will no longer be visible on the surfaces of the dice and everyone viewing them will receive a -4 penalty on their reaction rolls...some gamblers have died for the sake of one last toss of these dice... [NetherWerks]
- The "witch's friend" pot-stirrer. A simple ladle or spoon enchanted to stir a pot by itself -- ideal for the busy witch who wants to get a second cauldron started while the first is cooking! It's started and stopped by a special rhyme, which Longtoe didn't quite catch, but he's sure he got the gist of it. Which could be a problem as, once started, the stirrer lives only to stir pots - while active it will fight against attempts to remove the contents of its pot, growing increasingly agitated and stirring faster and faster. What would happen if such a ladle were cast into a well, a pond, or (heavens forbid!) a lake is anyone's guess. [PCB]