Goblins are not known for being especially intelligent in the musty, wizardy-sense of the term. However, they are crafty and can be quite shrewd. Every once in a while, when the conditions are just right, they get together to hawk their wares. While there is a certain degree of goblin-to-goblin trade occurring at such markets these events are in the main intended for outsiders. A goblin market will spring up in a location that is far from the eyes of the Man, as goblins tend to deal in items that are generally considered unsavory, dangerous or too cryptic to be entirely trusted. The typical customer is one who is not averse to the magical, one who is seeking something outside the scope of what is offered in the stalls of the town's commons.
Goblin markets have a strict no-returns policy. It's a serious case of buyer beware, as these creatures have a way of making things seem much more desirable than they actually may be. Minor, illusory enhancements are not at all uncommon.
FEED US YOUR GORP!
- Fill in the blanks in the table below by commenting. Designate a result number to go with your entry.
- Results 1-20 should be various weird objects and foodstuffs of minor effect (if any). This is the cheap and common stuff that is nonetheless useful in some way. Shoppers expect these things to be at the market.
- Results 21-30 are eminently eldritch and should have big price tags -- tags that may not demand coin at all but other things that goblins would especially covet.
- Specify the appearance, units of measure (if any), purpose and side-effects of your sale items. And don't forget the price!
- This table is designated open-source gaming content. No rights reserved.
- Names of contributors with links to their respective blogs (if any) will appear next to their entries.
D30 TABLE OF GOBLIN MARKET SALE ITEMS
- Goblin Pellets. Smelly little black balls, taste bitter-sweet but will feed an empty stomach, if you can hold them down. Come in lots of ten, a copper piece for all, and if eaten requires a save versus poison to avoid bringing it back up. [Simon Forster]
- Assorted Bone Relics of dubious and heretical saints. [Trey]
- A Worn Codex full of startlingly realistic color images of smiling people posing in odd clothing. It's emblazoned with the legend: "SEARS CATALOG" which may or may not have meaning. [Trey]
- Pouch O'Glass. It's glass, it's broken glass, you know? It sells very well, as a matter of fact. It's just broken glass, you know? If you hold this up, you know, you see colors, every color of the rainbow—-prisms, and that stuff! There's a label on the pouch that says "Be careful - broken glass!" (Coincidentally, the goblins sell a lot of products in the "Pouch O'" line.. like Pouch O' Nails, Pouch O' Bugs, Pouch O' Vipers, Pouch O' Stinking Cloud--all of which are conveniently out of stock at this moment, thank you very much.) One Pouch O'Glass costs 1d8 cp on overcast days; 1d8 sp on sunny days. [Matthew Schmeer]
- Goblin Black-bread. This charcoal infused dough is baked into small hard biscuits. They can be eaten to stop the effects of poisons (basically a neutralize poison). The bread is colored bluish-black and is sometimes mistaken for just moldy biscuits. On a roll of 1-2 on a d6 the character was sold a moldy biscuit and not true Black-bread and must save vs. poison or suffer 1d4 damage (O' the irony). [Mike D]
- A bundle of 23 Mismatched Socks tied together with twine. Made of various materials and all conditions. From new silk stocking to filthy wool and stinky cotton filled with holes. Maybe good for a makeshift coinpurse or impromptu puppet show. [Nemo235]
- Swine Pudding. Goblins call this food, but the average passerby may have doubts. It is a delicacy among goblin farmers for its ability to keep them fed during grueling days. Stores that sell this meaty pudding smell like a fetid hog yard. Eating it is a horrible, yet tolerable, experience. After consuming swine pudding, your breath will smell unholy for 1d2 days. You take a -4 penalty on all social interaction checks for the duration of the stench. Also living creatures with a sense of smell who are adjacent to you when you're speaking to must save versus breath weapon or become violently ill immediately. On the up side, the person who consumes swine pudding doesn't need to eat for two days, though that may be due to loss of appetite. [Nate]
- Fetcher. A trained small creature, usually one considered vermin or a pest outside a goblin tribe. The creature is trained to enter pockets, packs and places otherwise inaccessible even to a lithe and determined goblet. Unfortunately, given the nature of the trainer - often a soured, vengeful goblin with little love for fellow living things - and the nature of the food - the cheapest pellet crumbs or worse - the fetcher may be insubordinate, aggressive, even disease bearing. Success may turn out to be dependent on the owner's intelligence or strength, quite possibly endurance, but more likely luck. Price depends very much on the good behaviour of the fetcher during the pitch, and is usually 2d6x10 cp. [Porky]
- Trollnip. It`s like catnip, only for trolls... May allow a save vs. spell, or not. Trolls may get amorous intentions under the influence of trollnip.[rorschachhamster]
- Monkey on a Stick. This goblin delicacy is famed the world over. It is essentially a big juicy piece of rancid monkey rump jammed on a spit that is then naturally cured through an intricate smoking process that goblin cooks do not divulge even upon pain of death (although it is rumored to involve sandalwood, wolf-in-sheep-clothing entrails, manticore slobber, and the toenail clippings of gnomes). Often served with a minty mango-lime-kumquat whipped cream dressing, this delightful concoction is known to be a powerful restorative. Those buying Monkey on a Stick and consuming it within in 1d4 days will receive a 1d6 permanent increase in HP. However, if Monkey on a Stick is consumed five or more days after purchase, the eater must make a Save vs. Poison or take 1d20 damage due to intense diarrhea and internal bleeding. Monkey on a Stick is an expensive foodstuff: 1d24 gp per piece. Goblin cooks do not haggle over pricing for this dish, given the intricate nature of the cooking process. [Matthew Schmeer]
- Fried Elf Ears. A delicacy that goblins go crazy for, and cheap too. Only a silver piece per ear. It is said that eating one enhances your hearing, for a time: 1 in 6 chance of tripling listening of the eater, for 1d6 turns (10 minutes). [Simon Forster]
- Crackpopper. A fragment of a stolen and magically infused common item used to open a doorway to a remote destination by means of its insertion into a crack in any surface. The nature of the original object determines the nature of the destination, and the size of the fragment the potential distance from the present point, although size clearly also affects range of available cracks. Large crackpoppers are quickly divided down into shards and thence into slivers by the sneakier tribes prone to using them as currency, reducing range in the case of fine splinters to the very same surface or worse, with this worse being known as 'backpopping'. Price is dependent on size and the nature of the local landscape, higher in urban areas and mountainous regions, but in mixed terrain usually 1-4 sp per yard travelled. It is, however, often lower than might be expected as the stallholder's assistant is scurrying to the likely destination with a large club, ready for the test run... Larger fragments are usually not on open sale, but change hands in the bloody scuffling of bitter goblin schemes. [Porky]
- Longtoe's Miscellany. CLICK
- Dreamscatterer. When hung from a window or door, this fragile-looking assembly of bone and sticks, held together by weird looking turquoise paste that never loses its stickiness (or its odour of snails) will disrupt the magical field that ensures the correct dreams go to the correct sleepers. Anybody in the room will receive the dream of somebody else within a mile’s radius. If there are no humans within that area, the sleeper dreams that they are a randomly determined animal. Price: 1d6 silver pieces. [Daddy Grognard]
- Letter of Indignation from the Goblin King. For 10cp, Ormondonghrr the Lesser will part with the letter he stole from his permanent file stored in the Goblin Archives. Evidently, Ormondonghrr the Lesser was employed as a boot licker for third son of the Side-Duke of Grinichsy, a lesser noble in the Goblin King's court, and the Goblin King didn't think he was licking boots fast enough. Ormondonghrrr the Lesser really would like the whole episode to go away now that he's been promoted to chief underwear washer and back hair groomer of the Second Earl of Pensy. The chief archivist knows the letter is missing. So does the Goblin King. [Matthew Schmeer]
- Sack of Cats Eye Marbles. It's a sack full of 5d20 cats eye marbles. Every 30 days, a yowling meow will issue from the sack. When this happens, all cats (great and/or domestic) within 1/2 hex will be called to the PC's location. Upon arriving at the PC's location, the cats will surround the PC. (Attacks against these cats play out like normal combat). Cats will continue to show up until the PC removes a marble from the sack and places it on the ground, at which point one of the cats will pick it up in its mouth, and all the cats will leave. This behavior will continue until the sack is empty. If the PC tries to empty the sack any other way—by dumping the marbles, trading the marbles, losing the marbles during a a game of ringer, etc.—the PC will find the sack is full again the next morning, as if the marbles never left. Price: 15 cp. [Matthew Schmeer]
- Fruit of Goblin Orchards. A plate heaving with an assortment of succulent fruits (apples, quinces, greengages, dewberries, bullaces, pomegranates, damsons, billberries, etc), all plump, bright skinned, and fragrant. Most surprising results, considering the typical goblin nest is surrounded by poor soils (their secret is that their orchards are feed on goblin-manure). Anyone smelling or viewing the platter must save vs spells; those who failing are overcome with desire to eat the fruit. The taste of the fruit is very sweet and for days to come the victim will think of nothing else. However, no matter how often they check back at the markets, they cannot find the fruit again, even if it is within plain sight of other people. The price is a tress of blonde hair, but the goblins are known to force their fruit on someone who fails to show interest in purchasing it willingly. [PCB]
- Goblin's Milk. Despite its name this salty and lump-filled beverage is not the same stuff coming from the teats of mothering she-goblins. Rather it is the yeasty, concentrated secretions of the subterranean pill bug. While it is extremely high in nutrients -- a small quaff will fuel the average adventurer for an entire day's span -- most folks (goblins included) find the stuff to be extremely unpalatable. The drinker must make a CON save or find himself retching for the next 1d6 hours [note that no food or drink can be consumed during this period]. Goblins and their relations have an easier time with the stuff, but not by much. Cost is 8 gp per flask. [G. Gorgonmilk]
- A Goblin’s Kiss. Yagodah the Goblin Hag will bestow a kiss on the recipient’s right cheek. The kiss acts as a Polymorph Other spell, immediately transforming the recipient into a goblin for 2d24 days. As a goblin, the PC gains the special attack known as the Goblin’s Kiss. The price? If you have to ask, you can’t afford it. Still, Yagodah is rumored to be in need of a basilisk’s tooth from the King in Yellow’s personal collection, but she might also accept a hellhound’s claw from the court of the Crimson King. [Matthew Schmeer]
- Porkies. Who could resist the charming little figurines that the stallholder is selling? In fact, if you can resist them, he’ll wheel out his daughter, who – he says – makes them. They are supposed to be pigs, he tells you, but to be honest, they look like the sort of pig a goblin would dream about when he’s had too much bad applejack. Claws, thorns, teeth like shards of broken glass. If you buy one, nothing will appear to happen until you are in the middle of a social situation where tact and diplomacy are needed. At which point, roll a d12 for the following contribution from the porkie (effects last for the duration of the social situation in question).
1 – a loud belch rings out and a smell of sulphur rises from the area of your nether regions.
2 – both parties start speaking in very strong foreign accents
3 – you find what the other person is saying side-splittingly funny
4 – when you speak, the words come out of the porkie’s mouth
5 – a talking cat that only you can see walks onto the table and starts making rude but very funny comments about the other person
6 – your shadow begins to voice opinions contrary to your own
7 – you can understand the language of mice and they have some very interesting things to say
8 – the other person’s utterances provoke uncontrollable crying
9 – the porkie fights its way to the table and demands first rights on all food
10 – you hear the other person’s utterance not as words but as the clucks of a chicken
11 – you develop an insatiable appetite for garlic and ripe cheese
12 – both parties cannot speak but must sing instead.
Price: 2d8 copper pieces. [Daddy Grognard]
- Spectacles with Color Lens. Brass wire frames with round optics, the right side a pale blue and the left a rosy pink. Looking through the right lens (but only the right)allows the wearer to see things as they truly are (True Seeings). Looking through the left (and only the left) allows the wearer to see things as they wish them to be. [Trey]
- For the Love of Money. An odd-looking stone, carved with tiny figures of goblins in very amorous poses. The stallholder swears that carrying this stone in your purse or pouch will lead to riches! And so it does – the magical field of the stone causes the coins in your purse to become very aroused and keen to start mating with other coins. Impregnated coins will give birth to a litter of 1d8 baby coins within 1d12 hours. Unfortunately, there is a 55% chance that the offspring will be of the same metal as the lower denomination coin, 15% the higher, 10% a strange mix of metals that nobody has seen before and is of course not legal tender and 20% feral coins which will endeavour to get themselves lost as soon as possible (save vs. magic daily for each coin or they mysteriously disappear, never to be seen again). Price - suspiciously cheap at 1d4 copper pieces. [Daddy Grognard]
- Bag of Shh With A Red Ribbon On It. A sack with a bright red shiny ribbon on it. Horrible smells issue from the bag. Inside a Venomous Shh sleeps & will attack the fool opening the bag dragging them off to who knows where. 1d6 cps. [Needles]
- The Other Stench. A black plumed bird of a very surly nature. The bird is called Polly (in fact every stench is.) They are used for hunting fairies. They will demand the first fairy seen & then point out any others. Sprays a nasty oil that will hinder any fairy's flying ability unless a save vs is rolled. 5 cps. [Needles]
- Vorpal Needle of Bone. A very, very sharp needle that is made from the pinky bone of a fairy royalty. These needles are used to knit the dreams of 5 or 6 goblins into a rip roaring nightmare that is loosed upon a sleeping group of humans. The needle is constantly being passed around by goblins & sold. 10 cps. [Needles]
- Black Flask of Aunty Mimi. An unbreakable flask of black glass that will SCREAM for 1d6 rounds unless asked to be quiet. The flask will pour out a dram of goblin wine or meed made from mold, river slime, & fish guts. The flask must be passed around while singing & passing gas. 5 cps but only answers to the name Dave on Tuesdays. [Needles]
- The Dark of the Moon. A bottle of shadows, collected from the dark side of the new moon. If applied to the body, you will become invisible for 1d4 weeks, and be able become that way for an hour a each day for the rest of your life. However, if drunk, you will no longer cast a shadow, for it has become bound to you. You may now hide in shadows as a thief of three levels higher than your own, and turn your body to shadow for an hour a day, for the rest of your life, allowing you to creep under doors, through tiny cracks, and avoid harm from weapons that are not +4 or greater. How did the goblins get this? Who knows. There is a 10% chance that they will try to cheat you, selling you a bottle of normal shadows, in which case you only gain the benefits for 1d3 months before they wear off. They do sometimes sell these on their own, however, and they are only half-price. Cost: 6d10X100 GP, or a special request. [C'nor]
- The Eroticon of Hshrangle. Anthropodermically bound codex of erotic vignettes and advice on the amorous arts from Hshrangle the Well-Endowed, a hobgoblin of unusual...uh, proportion. Contained herein are helpful notes on the seduction of several non-human monster species which likely dangerous if practiced, but wholly accurate. It's worth 500gp in a decent book market, but 3000 or more to certain fetishistic collectors. [Trey]
- Time-Stopper Watch. This broken but untarnished copper pocket watch is a miniature mechanical prison for an angry godling of time. Once per 24 hours, the carrier can wind the watch, and enjoy the effects of Time Stop. However, after the effect wears off, the carrier is immediately (no save) affected by Temporal Stasis that can only be dispelled by the spells Freedom or Wish/Miracle. The clock is not affected, and can be looted from the carrier. [Aarneus]
- Molar Tooth of a Dead God. Who knows where it comes from, but the goblin swears it's real. If you stick it in your mouth, replacing your own tooth, you will touch the divine spark inherent in that old, yellowed and rotted molar. And all it'll cost is your arm... Effects: grants the ability to cast spells as a 1st-level cleric once/day (or adds to your level). Side-Effects: ungodly tooth ache, -2 to all rolls; will attract the dead god's followers after a year and a day, and they want the tooth back. [Simon Forster]